For immediate release 4:15PM EST [We’re releasing this statement after the US stock market closes. We don’t want you to see a cute chart on CNBC of the markets dropping as everyone realizes just how little we give a shit about actually doing our jobs. See: we’re not that stupid. Wait. Maybe that should be the new slogan: Congress – we’re not that stupid.]

After months of hard work and intense deliberations [Let’s just hope that you don’t read any of the reports that said that we basically only met a couple of times over the past few months. Though considering the horseshit that’s about to come, let’s address this really early to get it out of the way], we have come to the conclusion today [Today was the soonest we could reach the conclusion because it also happens to be the first time we’ve seen each other in a long time] that it will not be possible to make any bipartisan agreement available to the public before the committee’s deadline. [For all of you who thought that all of us in Congress are incompetent, we hope you take note. We didn’t miss our deadline. There’s no ‘dog ate my homework’ or ‘my computer crashed.’ You’re welcome.]

Despite our inability to bridge the committee’s significant differences [Those of you who are our supporters, don’t worry! We didn’t miss out on whoring it up with lobbyists because, heck, we just didn’t meet! That’s why we couldn’t bridge differences. But our FEC reports are going to look sweet!], we end this process united in our belief that the nation’s fiscal crisis must be addressed [But not by us…suckers! Though someone should really get on that. We should some find some folks. Oh, wait…] and that we cannot leave it for the next generation to solve [We try not to let this get out, but we actually understand math. We’re pretty sure this ponzi scheme will be up by then. Remember: Congress – we’re not that stupid]. We remain hopeful that Congress can build on this committee’s work [hahahahahahah!] and can find a way to tackle this issue in a way that works for the American people and our economy [After Congress gets done with that, we can all go out find some unicorns, explain the series finale of Lost to each other, and take our hovercrafts to the moon. We are very sincere in all of this.]

We are deeply disappointed that we have been unable to come to a bipartisan deficit reduction agreement [That’s why you need to vote Republican/Democrat in 2012 so we can solve this for real. We’re serious. Just vote for our party in November, and we really mean it this time.], but as we approach the uniquely American holiday of Thanksgiving [We’re just like you! We celebrate Thanksgiving!], we want to express our appreciation to every member of this committee, each of whom came into the process committed to achieving a solution that has eluded many groups before us [Can you tell that this was the only part of this statement that the entire committee agreed on? The need to praise our hard work, sacrifice, and competence was a no-brainer]. Most importantly, we want to thank the American people for sharing thoughts [Really, we thank you for not paying any attention to this and for probably not holding any of us accountable come election time.] and ideas and for providing support and good will as we worked to accomplish this difficult task. [Thanks. We love you. Especially how rich we’re all going to get from our insider trading and the sweet lobbying jobs we have waiting.]

We would also like to thank our committee staff, in particular Staff Director Mark Prater and Deputy Staff Director Sarah Kuehl, as well as each committee member’s staff for the tremendous work they contributed to this effort. [These people wrote this release, so they get to thank themselves.] We would also like to express our sincere gratitude to Dr. Douglas Elmendorf and Mr. Thomas Barthold and their teams at the Congressional Budget Office and Joint Committee on Taxation, respectively, for the technical support they provided to the committee and its members. [But most importantly, again, thank you for continuing to vote for each us no matter how far we have our heads up our asses.]

Senate members
Patty Murray, Washington, Co-Chair
Max Baucus, Montana
John Kerry, Massachusetts
Jon Kyl, Arizona
Rob Portman, Ohio
Pat Toomey, Pennsylvania
House members
Xavier Becerra, California
Jim Clyburn, South Carolina
Chris Van Hollen, Maryland
Jeb Hensarling, Texas, Co-Chair
Fred Upton, Michigan
Dave Camp, Michigan

+ the rest of the house & senate]

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