The gap is such a powerful feeling that I never know what to do with. It takes but a second to strike, but once it does, it lingers for hours.
It often starts with a normal conversation or group hangout. Things are normal…I’m engaged and life is great. I’m in the moment. Then someone says or does something and this giant, massive void opens up between us. It could be an off-hand comment or a well-intentioned joke. But once spoken, everything changes. I realize how different they are from me. Depending on who I’m with, it can feel like it’s the whole group vs me. I wonder if I’m at all similar to this person/group. I wonder why I even hang out with them . On a more insecure day, it creates self-doubt and I wonder if it’s intentional — do they really view me so differently? Will I ever truly fit in?
I assume it happens the most to people in minority situations. This doesn’t just mean ethnic minorities, but a republican spending time with democrats, a woman among a group of men, etc.
Once that huge, gaping void opens up, there’s no turning back. It’s one of those things I’ve felt at various times in my life for various reasons be it, politics, philosophy, a social issue, a racial comment, etc– and each time I’m struck by what a completely intense, overpowering, and lonely feeling it is.
5/27/13 – I know what I’m describing here, but I can’t remember the last time this truly happened. I wonder if it’s because I don’t pay as much attention these days or if I surround myself with a more narrow group of people?